


I'm Working

by Gleedegrassibigfan



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Autistic Matteo, Canon Compliant, Canon Trans Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Future Fic, Light Angst, M/M, Personal Growth, TikTok, University, film school, this takes place in spring 2020 but there is no covid-19 in this world lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:49:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23513239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleedegrassibigfan/pseuds/Gleedegrassibigfan
Summary: David just stifled a smile and looked down at his phone, ignoring the missed facetime calls from Leonie and Sara. His eyes went straight to the message from Matteo. “Did you just send me a TikTok compilation video?” David asked haughtily and slightly amused.“Yeah, I made it,” Matteo said. He sounded adorable and so excited. “It’s called ‘TikToks that will save your life and murder you at the same time.’”
Relationships: Leonie Richter/Sara Adamczyk, Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 74





	I'm Working

**Author's Note:**

> Well here’s one for the books, Harper wrote a one shot. Seriously, you guys, I am such a long-form writer. My mind just thinks I’m big picture and everything I write always ends up grander in scale than originally planned. This is still the case here— 11k was longer than I rented opps— but it’s still a one shot, which is a big accomplishment for me haha! 
> 
> But fill disclosure, the only reason I was able to write this was because my college’s creative writing workshops require us to turn in short stories. And with covid-19 fogging my brain of everything besides Davenzi and short for audiovisual content like Tik Tok, this was the only thing I could come up with. Yes, I turned in the first draft of this for class. I did make revisions based on the feedback though, so (hopefully) y’all are getting a better story for free than my classmates who paid tuition dollars to read my work. 
> 
> I’m certainly not promising this to be as good at What Is It Exactly (parts 7-12 in the works!) and Light Shines Eternal (chapter 10 next Monday!) but in a lot of ways, this is a love letter to fanfiction, so I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> (Please mind any errors, autistic dyslexic in the middle of a global pandemic over here!) 
> 
> (Also, since this is all in David’s POV and there are a few brief mentions of his trans identity, quick disclaimer that I am not trans. Please let me know if I need to edit or delete anything.) 
> 
> (Oh, and it's Autistic Matteo. At this point, do you expect any less of me?)
> 
> (Okay, now, I hope you enjoy!)

The soft sound of Matteo’s socked foot tapping against his old hardwood floors was the only soundtrack David needed as he scrolled through endless fonts, searching for the perfect one for the title card of his painting recreation film project. It was due the next day, and he still hadn’t picked the music, completed color correction or tightened the edits like he knew his professor was going to want. He knew he would finish in time— he always did— but he also knew he wouldn’t be proud of it— he never was. There was just too much pressure and perfectionism in the air for him to be able to get his creative juices flowing in a direction that would secure that A he had been chasing all semester. 

David knew that he was in rut of sorts, full of ideas but no confidence that his artistic choices were the right ones. There was always something that could go wrong, so he always changed his mind just to find another path that seemed to show a deadend just the same. He got lucky sometimes with great people to help him put together last minute projects and the occasional idea that didn’t crash and burn. But even then, there was always that one cut that wasn’t smooth enough or that one place the music faded out too soon. Mistakes didn’t earn As, get you into festivals and they certainly didn’t make David feel like he was the life he was supposed to be living. He wasn’t supposed to be behind on assignments or pulling his hair over every little detail. He wasn’t supposed to be using his boyfriend as a distraction or escape from the boulder he was pushing up a mountain. He knew that. But Matteo was always there when he needed him and David always had a better time with Matteo than he did with Final Cut Pro.  


When David had seen Leonie and Sara on campus that morning, he had explained away his lack of progress on his film on the fact that he and Matteo had gotten a little distracted the night before. And the night before that. How was David supposed to resist when Matteo looked at him with that goofy smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle up? Matteo’s swimming pool blue eyes had a way of making David lose all sense of time, place and purpose except for pulling Matteo in close and keeping his giggles alive until they fell by the wayside for the sake of dizzying kisses and intoxicating touches. 

He didn’t tell Leonie and Sara all that, but by the warmth on his cheeks and the way Sara and Leonie knowingly looked at each other, he figured he didn’t have to. Everyone knew how head over heels he was for Matteo. 

And that night, sighing and turning away from his laptop, David couldn’t help but be reminded of that himself. There Matteo was, sitting in the armchair across the room, engrossed in his own laptop and drowning in his favorite grandpa sweater with his noise-canceling headphones snug around his messy, blonde head. 

Then, David’s phone chimed on Matteo’s desk that he had overtaken for the night. David started to turn to look, but Matteo looked up and their eyes met. 

“Were you staring at me?” Matteo asked. He was dancing on the line between bashful and cocky; it lit David up inside. 

David just stifled a smile and looked down at his phone, ignoring the missed facetime calls from Leonie and Sara. His eyes went straight to the message from Matteo. “Did you just send me a TikTok compilation video?” David asked haughtily and slightly amused. 

“Yeah, I made it,” Matteo said. He sounded adorable and so excited. “It’s called ‘TikToks that will save your life and murder you at the same time.’”

“Since when do you make TikTok compilations?” David asked, spinning around in the well-worn roller chair to face Matteo. 

“Since this morning,” Matteo said, a big smile on his face. 

“Wow,” David said, picking up and unlocking his phone to look at the video. 

“You don’t have to watch it,” Matteo said. He sounded shier all of a sudden and David immediately looked up to see him glancing away and shrugging. “I’ve just been hyperfixating on TikToks lately, and I don’t know, I just like sharing that stuff with you.”

“Of course,” David said, kindly. “I want you to. What do you love about TikTok?”

“They’re funny,” Matteo said simply. It took him a moment to gather his next words, but David was more than used to giving Matteo the time he needed. “Like, they're really easy to watch. It’s super simple because they are so short and to the point. But they are still funny and interesting and I know people put a lot into them and they are just normal people making content because they want to. It’s nice. And I laugh a lot when I watch them. I wanted to make a video of my favorites. And, I wanted to share it with you. So you’ll laugh too. You don’t do that as much anymore.” 

Matteo dared to look back at David’s eyes, but it was David’s turn to look away. He felt his body stiffening as he tried to mask how much it hurt to think about how flat his life had felt lately; late nights full of self-criticism, early mornings exhausted from the most boring nightmares, lunches alone in the cafe because socializing with his friends felt hollow, Thursday dinner with Laura that always ended with a worried look from her and a snappy comment from him, unanswered group chat messages from the crew asking to hang out because it had been too long, a deadpan face while watching bootlegged copies of American comedy films with Matteo's flatmates. Thinking about Matteo noticing all of that was even harder to stomach. But even still, he could feel those walls coming up. It was a force of habit, even after all these years. 

“Well, I am glad you’ve found something nice for yourself, but, I’m working. Plus, you know that I have a reputation to uphold,” David said. He turned back to his laptop and put his hand back on the trackpad. “I would never live it down if anyone from school found a TikTok video in my watch history. I’m a serious filmmaker.” 

“Oh, come on, don’t do that,” Matteo said. David just shrugged, feeling a guilty heat in his chest. “Okay, fine, I’ll play along. If you have a reputation to uphold, so do I.”

“And that is?” 

“Being a meme lord.” 

“Oh god, you said that so seriously,” David said. He couldn’t stop himself from huffing out an amused laugh and rolling away from his laptop. He looked over at Matteo, and when their eyes met, Matteo tossed his laptop aside and got up. 

“Memes are serious. Anything that makes you happy is,” Matteo said. When he got to David, he started climbing onto his lap and David let him. If putting up the walls was a force of habit for David, tearing them down was a force of habit for Matteo. As David let him in, Matteo’s legs straddled over David’s loose black pants and his face crowded into David’s so close that he could have nudged his nose against David’s spectrum piercing if he wanted. David hoped he would. “So, that means TikToks are just as serious as this assignment of yours,” Matteo continued, placing his hands on David’s shoulders. “And actually, they are a business these days. People make careers out of TikToks. Make money off of TikToks if they get famous enough. I saw that this American TikToker was on Jimmy Fallon or some late-night shit the other day. Don’t you want to be on late-night TV? Talking about your next movie? That you’re directing? Because you’re an amazing director?” 

“Sure, yeah,” David said. Matteo’s hands were trailing up to David’s neck and David’s hands found themselves on Matteo’s waist. 

“And what does that start with?” 

“You’re going to say TikToks, aren’t you?” David said, fondly, eyes a little scrunched up in his last attempt to remain cool through the conversation. 

“TikToks,” Matteo said dramatically. David didn’t even try to stop his laughter as he shook his head and smiled. “TikToks are basically little movies!” Matteo called out, playfully defensive. “You gotta start somewhere!” 

“I am starting somewhere, it’s called film school,” David said, hands dropping lower on Matteo’s back. “You know film school? That place that I go every weekday? That you curse at in the mornings because it takes me away from you?” 

“See exactly! We could make TikToks together! David, David,” Matteo said, smacking David’s arm and squirming in his lap. “Let’s make TikToks together!”

David let himself float there with Matteo, locking eyes with him as Matteo’s eyes did that crinkly corner thing that made his stomach flip and his mind stop functioning. But as their giggles slowed down and Matteo’s fingers started tracing over David’s ear as he pensively stared there, David took a deep breath.

“Okay, how about this,” he said, bringing one hand up to grab Matteo’s wrist. The soft fabric of his sweater almost distracted him again, but Matteo turned his eyes back to David’s. They tangled their fingers together and David remembered what he was going to say. “I’ll watch your TikTok compilation and every single compilation you make, just like you watch every film I make. But I get to keep my focus on those films? Because as fun as it would be to make TikToks with you, I have so much on my plate right now.”

“But you’ll watch the video? Because you do look like you could use a break.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?” David asked, half feigning offense. He tilted his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. “Do I not look good tonight?” 

“No, you do, as always,” Matteo said, his eyes wandering down to David’s smirking lips. “But, um,” he said, shaking himself out his trance. “We have a deal, Schreibner.”

“Good,” David said, low, looking at Matteo's lips. But then Matteo was smiling giddily and crawling off of David’s lap. David’s eyes widened and he tightened his grip on Matteo’s hand as Matteo’s feet hit the ground. “Hey, no, where are you going?” David asked. “The deal did not include you getting off my lap.”

“It didn’t?” 

David muttered out a quick “no” as he pulled Matteo back in. It didn’t take much effort; Matteo was weightless as he climbed back onto David. Their hands found their way back to each other’s bodies as their lips did the same. 

David was long over trying to figure out who initiated their kisses, but he would never get over the way Matteo’s kisses warmed him up from the inside out. They always made him feel cherished in a way he had never imagined possible all those years ago when he switched high schools and found Matteo in the midst of the darkest time in both their lives. They had fallen in love to the sound of slamming gym lockers and stereos turned up way too loud at parties, to the feeling of too tight binders and denim jeans that rubbed the wrong way, to the taste of kabobs thrown across the room because David’s parents could just never understand any part of him and the taste of vanilla chapstick because every other flavor distressed Matteo even more than the things that made him pick at his lips in the first place. Then, of course, there was the smell of Matteo’s Italian coffee breath swirling together with David’s spray-on deodorant as they whispered mid-morning promises that they would get through it all together. 

David couldn’t help but feel like those promises were present every time their lips met, and that just made him kiss harder as Matteo’s fingernails scrapped at the base of David’s dark, curly hair. But then Matteo’s lips were gone, and David was breathing heavy as his forehead rocked onto Matteo’s. 

“Well, that was fun, but,” Matteo said. “If I stay, you’re never going to actually watch the video, so—” 

He started climbing off David slower than before, but David was too love drunk to even think about tightening his grip on Matteo to keep him there. 

“Ah— Matteo—” David called out. He reached out for Matteo as he walked away, but he just turned to look back at him with a mischievous grin. “Okay. Fine. I’ll watch it now.” 

“Good. I’ll watch you watch it,” Matteo said, taking a satisfied seat in the armchair again, one leg crossed under him. 

“Creepy,” David said as he rolled back up to the desk and airdropped the video link to his computer. 

“Or cute. It’s all in perspective.” 

“If you want me to focus on this, you need to stop being cute,” David said threateningly. 

“Okay, okay, I’ll go make us dinner,” Matteo said. He got up, and walked to the desk, the opposite direction of the door. He stood behind David, watching the video load on the screen, then placed a kiss into Davids’s hair and mumbled, “I want a comprehensive report when I get back.”

“You fucker,” David said, swiveling in the chair to whack Matteo’s side as he recoiled back from the playful attack he knew was coming. 

“Okay, okay, I’m gone,” Matteo said, throwing his hands up in surrender and scurrying away. 

“Love you,” David called out. He heard Matteo say it back, then the door shut. David connected his headphones, positioned them over his ears and hit “k” to start the video. 

David ended up laughing at just under half the TikToks in the video. After eating dinner with Hans and Linn, who were way too shameless about crashing their evening, David told Matteo how nice it was to just let go for 24 minutes. The conversation ended there because the smile on Matteo’s face was way too bright for it not to be kissed off his face. 

David had to wake up extra early and go to the library to finish his project the next morning.

***

It was just two days later, the sun high in the sky on a lovely Saturday afternoon, that Matteo bounded into David’s room and declared that he had made another TikTok compilation.

“Already? What about school? That biology major you are so adamant about finishing no matter what?” David asked, getting up from his desk where he had been sketching something that just wasn’t turning out how he wanted. 

“I’m actually a little ahead on schoolwork right now. Besides, hyperfixations should not be underestimated. You should know that by now,” Matteo said. David put his hands on Matteo’s waist, the fabric of his blue hoodie perfectly soft under his fingers. 

“I do know that,” David said tenderly. He put his hand on the back of Matteo’s neck and pulled him in for a simple kiss that did complexly beautiful things for his heart. Eyes slow to open as he pulled away, he smiled. “Let’s watch.” 

They joined hands and David led them onto his bed. He tucked Matteo under his arm and watched as Matteo pulled up the video on his phone. David felt his body ease as Matteo’s warmth radiated onto him and a song he recognized from a TikTok in Matteo’s first compilation rang out through the room. They cuddled deeper into each other as TikTok after TikTok played, bringing full belly laughs out of Matteo and slightly restrained laughs out of David. But as the video played, David lost his ability to hold back and by the end, he was a bit light headed from how hard he was laughing. 

“I love your laugh,” Matteo said over the sound of the end screen. He nuzzled his head closer into David’s chest and David tangled his hand into his soft hair.

“I love yours,” he said, lazily, barely even thinking. “And I love when you make me laugh. I know you picked these, and they are funny, but they’re no match for you.” 

“You’re sweet,” Matteo said. “And biased.” 

“We should watch more,” David said. He was too lost in the moment to anticipate how Matteo scrambled up from his grasp, flung his phone down on the bed and scoffed in half feigned surprise as he brought his hand to his chest.

“David Schreibner. Wants more TikToks?” Matteo asked. David bit his lip as he tried to stop himself from laughing too soon. Matteo got louder as he started waving his arms and looking around. “Quick, alert the papers! This is breaking news!!”

“Oh my god, shhh,” David said, lifting his arms to Matteo’s flailing ones. But his laughter was escaping through his gummy smile and with Matteo falling back into his lap, he didn’t even mind. 

“Wow, you really do think I’m funny,” Matteo said. 

“Yeah,” David said. He pulled Matteo to sit flush against his chest and wrapped his arms around his middle. “You’re hilarious.” 

“Thank you,” Matteo said softly. David wished he could see Matteo’s blushing face, but resigned to resting his chin on his head. 

“If you want to make TikToks, you should,” David said. “You would be good at it.”

“I did always wish I was old enough to be a vine star,” Matteo said. He patted the bed next to him, looking for his phone. “But, I don’t know, I think I might need to do more research before I start.” 

“You can stop being so sneaky,” David said earnestly as Matteo found his phone and unlocked it. “I’m enjoying this. I actually wanted to watch that artsy kid TikTok compilation that was going to autoplay before you so rudely got out of my lap. What is with you doing that lately?” 

“Ah, the power of representation,” was all Matteo said as he pushed his back harder against David’s chest. He pulled his compilation back up and clicked on the next video. The way their laughs melded together as they watched made David want to drop out of school and spend all his time watching TikToks with Matteo. 

“You know,” Matteo said 18 minutes later as the video reached its end. “If it's representation you’re looking for, they do have LGBT TikToks and autistic TikToks, though there aren’t as many of those, of course. Gotta love disability erasure, woohoo. But I did see this trans TikTok compilation that made me think of you the other day.” 

David just smiled, hugged him tighter and told him to pull it up. They watched it together, and by the time the sunset over David’s apartment, they had watched as many queer and autistic and college student and gen z and filmmaker and biology major and biracial and Italian and ferret dancing and meme and vine energy TikTok compilations as they could find. 

They shifted positions about a million times, so it was with shoulders pressed against each other as they slouched against David’s pillows that he said to Matteo, “See you could do that. You’ve got plenty of jokes and life experiences and you’re not afraid to be weird on camera.” 

“I think all I can be is weird on camera,” Matteo said, locking his phone and tossing it aside like he could see where things were going. 

“Oh I beg to differ,” David said, inching his hand over Matteo’s thigh. 

“No, you just think my weirdness is hot,” Matteo said matter of factly. David was too focused on the way the tips of Matteo’s ears were turning red as they poked out between stray hairs to notice that his own lips were growing into a smirk. 

“Maybe I do,” David said. Then, in just a few swift movements, David grabbed onto Matteo’s thigh and pulled him on top of him, just a little bit rough. Matteo let out a giggly “oh” as he settled his bent knees on the bed surrounding David. “You are hot though.”

“You. You’re hot,” Matteo said, poking a finger over where David’s heart was beating rapidly. “Hot enough to be in a TikTok with me? Please? I think it would be good for both of us.” 

“I, um, I guess if you had an idea that absolutely required two people and I was free,” David said slowly, eyes averted to the ceiling. “Yeah, sure. But other than that, I’m happy to be your director.”

“Oh I like the sound of that,” Matteo said, face getting closer. “I’m very good at taking direction from you.” 

“Hmm,” David muttered. Effortlessly and exhilaratingly, he turned them over so Matteo was under him as he leaned down to tease Matteo with lips just above his. “Your first TikTok should be about how much of a sub you are.”

David was genuinely shocked they both had enough restraint to stay there like that, lips almost touching, as Matteo spoke. His voice was entirely too intimate and simultaneously amusing for David to handle. “Bottom energy for days meanwhile top energy radiates off you like the motherfucking sun.”

“Oh my god, you’re too much,” David said. He dropped down onto the bed beside Matteo. He knew if he stayed on top of him they would never eat the dinner that his stomach was beginning to crave. But he couldn’t stand a total lack of contact, so he found Matteo’s hand on the mattress next to him. “And,” David said. “If anyone is the sun in this relationship, it’s you.”

“Like in Teletubbies!” Matteo shouted. 

“Now that’s your first TikTok!” David said, already starting to get an image in his mind. 

“Yes! Omg, let’s develop a full concept!”

And they did, over the pasta that Matteo cooked as he hummed a melody of TikTok songs. By the time they fell asleep in each other’s arms, they had a whole list of TikTok ideas for Matteo scrawled on the back page of David’s sketchbook. And David had TikTok downloaded to his phone.

***

David’s Performance I: Directing professor asked to see him after class the following Wednesday. They had combined with Performance I: Acting for the session like they so often did on project review days. They didn’t have time to watch David’s film in class, but based on the grading sheet his professor had handed to him at the start of class, he was glad.

David had shoved the sheet to the bottom of his backpack after scanning through the criticisms while his professor brought up the first film, which was all too brilliant. Throughout class, he tried to forget the sheet was there, promising himself he wouldn’t torture himself by ever looking at it again. But upon his professor’s request, he fished it out; he wasn’t about to disobey the authority figure that stood between him and success, even if she was lecturing him with words that he really didn’t want to hear. The whole conversation hurt, but the end drove a particularly sharp dagger through the ventricle of David’s heart where his dreams lived. 

“I heard great things from your first-year professors. My friend on the admissions committee said your entrance film was deeply moving. Your contributions in class are always inspired. So what is it that is making your projects fall below what you are capable of? I only ask because I want to help you do well in this class.”

“I don’t know,” David said. His voice was calm, but his fist was clenched around the crumbled grading sheet. He felt like he could have unbolted one of the lecture hall chairs off the ground with just one hand if he wasn’t so paralyzed by shame. 

“Is that all?” she asked. David remained silent as he stared to the side. “I need you to dig deep here. Put some effort into figuring this out. Because otherwise, my only advice to you can be that you should possibly think about other aspects of the film industry.” 

“But I want to be a director,” David said, looking back at her. He hated how desperate he sounded.

“Then, for your own sake, please start acting like it,” she said.“I have another class across campus. But my office hours are always open to you.” Then she closed her briefcase, said a quick goodbye and left. 

David closed his eyes and breathed out, long and slow, wishing that Matteo wasn’t halfway across town in his apartment working on his online degree program so that he could walk up and hug the pain right out of his body. 

The only people who did walk up from behind him were Sara and Leonie who both caught a glimpse of the grade on top of the sheet in his hand. 

“You got a C?” Sara asked, crushed. “Was it my acting?

“No, it wasn’t your acting, babe,” Leonie said, kindly. Then her voice got more serious. “What happened, David? I know you and Matteo have been, well, busy lately, but—”

“It’s not Matteo’s fault,” David spit, turning around. They both looked a little frightened to see him so aggressive, so he swallowed hard and tried to change his tune. He wanted to tell them that Matteo was the only reason he was still out there, trying even if he was failing, but that felt way too real for the walls that were growing tall again. He just glanced away and muttered, “I didn’t have time to get an editor.”

“Dude, my concentration is editing,” Leonie said. “All you had to do was ask.”

“Yeah, true, but I get that you’ve been super stressed lately. What’s going on with you?” Sara asked. She actually sounded more worried than anything, but that didn’t mean David could calm the anger that was setting ablaze beneath his ribs. 

“What is it to you?” he asked harshly. He wanted to be able to scold himself for not being kinder to his friends in his moments of weakness, but his mind was too preoccupied on storming out of the lecture hall. His feet moved with the same angry and vengeful force that had carried him out of his childhood bedroom that day he had left Hamburg and ended up on a train to Berlin to crash with his sister because his parents had called his aspirations foolish and irresponsible one too many times for him. 

This time, though, that force brought him to Matteo’s flat with the mission of making every TikTok on their list. 

David let himself in with the key he knew was under the rug in the hall, and charged in, heading straight for the bathroom. He heard Matteo calling out his name from the living room where he was sitting on the floor, bio textbooks spread out in front of him. But David didn’t even think about responding to him until he had Matteo’s galaxy shower curtain off the rod and in his hands. He needed it for the third idea on their list; “alien version of ‘you know I’m your type, right?’ (song: indigo).”

He walked back into the living room in a frenzy and heard one of Matteo’s textbooks shutting. Then, “ Please talk to me. David, are you okay?” 

“No, I’m not okay!” David shouted, louder than he wanted as he dropped the shower curtain on the floor. “But I will be as soon as I can forget about that damn directing class and just get back to my roots— making the art I want to make because it makes me fucking happy.”

“Your directing class doesn’t make you happy?” Matteo asked. He was treading lightly as he shifted sitting positions. David hated it, but not as much as he hated yelling around Matteo. He knew it started him, made his heart race because loud noises did that no matter what, but also because yelling brought Matteo back to bad days with a bad father. But David didn’t feel like he had a choice anymore. 

“Oh, don’t act like you don’t know,” David said, aggressive and short. “‘You don’t laugh as much anymore.’ Trying to cheer me up? Making and sending me TikTok compilations? I mean, hell, ‘I think they would be good for both of us.’ Well, you were fucking right!” 

“Okay first of all,” Matteo said as he slowly got up off the floor. He sounded far more confident and level headed than David expected. If he had been so wrapped up in his own downfall, he would have felt proud. But there was no time or space for pride in the midst of David’s rage. “I don’t make TikTok compilations for you. I make them for me because they make me happy. And I wanted to make TikToks because it sounds fun, and I think it would make me happy too. And—”

“But they come in handy when you are trying to cheer up your boyfriend who hates his major,” David interrupted him. He heard the words come out of his mouth and scoffed, throwing up his hands. “Fuck, there I said it! I hate my major! I hate pouring my heart into films and working my ass off to make sure that every detail is right and then just getting shit on in critiques. No matter what I do, I am never good enough! I just want to make art that lights up my soul and makes people's lives better. Because if I can crack the code to make me happy— me, this dark, brooding soul who has been through so much shit and has terrible coping mechanisms for dealing with it all— if I can make me happy and feel alive and real and like I matter, if I can do that my art, then surely my art can do that for other people. For the world. But I don’t know how to do that!”

“I think you do, though. There’s a reason the shower curtain is in the living room,” Matteo said. He sounded so calm. David wanted to roll his eyes, but Matteo was walking over to him. With every step closer, he felt his skin cooling and his mind slowing. Then, Matteo reached him and David closed his eyes as his racing heart evened out. Matteo's arms wrapped around his waist, tight and soothing. Matteo rested his forehead on David’s and David took the opportunity to hug his arms around Matteo’s back and tug him closer. The scent of Matteo’s shampoo was strong and beautiful, so much so that David found himself moving his head to Matteo’s shoulder, falling into him. Matteo squeezed him tighter and they stayed like that, embracing in the middle of the living room, until David let out a long breath. Matteo lifted his head from David’s shoulder. “Hey, can you look at me?” he asked. 

David smiled just the slightest bit as he raised his head and looked in Matteo’s eyes and knocked their foreheads together. “Okay,” Matteo said. “So, when I’m sad or overwhelmed or scared, I feel so fucked up inside, right? But, when my emotions are all over the place and my executive dysfunction is going crazy, I turn back to the simple things that I know will ground me. Your hand in mine, my headphones tight over my ears, short little videos that make the world feel a little less heavy. TikToks aren’t deep. But what they do for me is. And you’re allowed to have that same experience. If you want. They don’t have to ground you. Anything can. You just have to know it. So, what does ground you?”

“You,” David said. It was all he needed to say; he knew the way he was looking at Matteo like he was the brightest, most beautiful thing in the universe said it all. 

“Then I am here. For whatever it takes to make you happy,” Matteo said. He dropped one hand from David’s waist and, on instinct, David moved one arm from Matteo's back. They brought their hands together, engaging them as they held them in between their chests. David stared down at their hands as Matteo squeezed his hand and asked, “Just promise me one thing?”

“What?” David asked. 

“No matter how hard it gets, don’t give up on your dream,” Matteo said. David looked back up to see his eyes, serious and full of admiration. “Because it’s a really fucking amazing dream.”

David smiled and pushed their intertwined hands against their chests as he pulled Matteo closer by the hand on his back. “As long as you promise to help me get there.” 

“I will,” Matteo said, closing his eyes. There was barely any space between their lips, but David closed the gap, kissing Matteo slow and thankful. Matteo poured support into the kiss and David took it all. His heart fluttered and he felt miles away from furious. Instead, he was wrapped up in safety and love, in someone who had known from day one just what he needed. 

“So,” David said, lifting his lips from Matteo and standing up tall again. “Will you let me direct you in a whole bunch of silly TikToks to help me get my mind off of this shit I am dealing with and focus on those simple grounding things? Because it's you, but it is also art without pressure and deadlines, art just for the sake of art. That grounds me too. And, god, I never thought I would say this, but TikToks are art. And right now, I think they are the only art I can handle.”

“I feel you there,” Matteo said, laughing a little. “And absolutely. What’s first, Mr. Director?” 

David let go of Matteo and they quickly got to work, not that it felt like work. It was a whole afternoon of TikToks, hours and hours that lifted David up perfectly. Film school was the last thing on his mind as “Indigo” faded into “Old Town Road.” The ideas were flowing in every direction, and for the first time in a very long time, David didn’t stop to ask himself self-critical questions. He just laughed when Matteo tried to jump high enough on the couch to touch the ceiling for some joke that barely even made sense, not that it mattered, and leaned in to kiss him hard when Matteo started dramatically lip-synching “L-O-V-E.” Frank Sinatra somehow changed into “Dissolve” that dissolved into “Walls Could Talk” which just turned into shamelessly dancing to “Say So” even though neither one of them really knew the official moves and had both sworn they weren’t TikTok dancers. David didn’t even care when Matteo recorded him trying to copy some teenage girls doing the “Renegade” dance. 

“This is shit! There’s a reason I’m not a dance major!” David shouted over the music they were blasting just under Matteo’s good day threshold for too loud. 

“You’re a better dancer than you realize! You’re better at everything than you realize!” Matteo said, smiling and almost dropping his phone as he chuckled. 

“Tell that to my third C this semester!” David called out lightheartedly. But as soon as the words were out, the back of his throat felt tight and he could feel the motivation for tears traveling up from his sideways stomach to his shutting eyes. His eyelashes felt on the verge of wet as they hit the sensitive skin under his eyes. “Fuck. That’s not supposed to, um, not supposed to happen. We’re having fun. I’m focused on grounding things.”

“Hey, hey,” Matteo said. He threw his phone on to the coffee table, turned off the music and went right up to David’s shaking shoulders, placing gentle hands there. “I know all about emotional dysregulation. It happens. It’s okay. It’s good to let it out.” 

“It’s just, it’s not working!” David said, shaking his hands at his side. Then, face burning and knees buckling, he let his tears fall. It wasn’t like he never cried; he teared up quite often when Matteo was in the throws of sensory overload because seeing his one true love in pain was never easy, there were a handful of movies that always brought tears out of David and as much as he hated to admit it, his days of looking in the mirror and getting a little weepy weren’t entirely behind him. But this was different. He hadn’t let himself cry like this, for the mess that his head was always wrapped up in but he hardly ever acknowledged, in a very long time. The last time was probably that first night on Laura’s sofa as he told her those words his parents had said— “I hope your dream of this life you have planned for yourself— film school, the surgeries, the boyfriend, all of it— is worth giving up everything we’ve provided for you.” Laura had wrapped him up in her arms and he let himself sob.

And now, he was sobbing again, Matteo there with him and guiding him down to sit on the floor. 

“It’s okay, David,” he said as they settled on the floor next to each other. “You can feel whatever you need to feel and say whatever you need to say.”

“You’ve watched me do this enough times for you that you really know exactly what to do, huh?” David said, laughing through the tears, trying not to fall too deep into them as he wiped them away. 

“Yeah, and I know it feels. And I know you,” Matteo said, moving his hand to David’s knee. “You keep everything in because you think it’s easier that way.” 

“But it’s not,” David said softly as the tears took over again. He felt his body folding in on itself as he dropped his head against Matteo’s chest. 

Matteo wrapped his arms around him and started running his hand through his hair. He was silent, just like David needed him to be. There were really no words Matteo could say. He just needed the comfort of his body to ground him, and it did as the tears flowed until they dried up one by one. 

David didn’t know how long they had been like that, but he ended up with his head in Matteo’s cross-legged lap as he tried to calm his desperate lungs enough to speak. His words barely felt like they were coming out of his mouth. It was more like they were stuck in a mirage of choked up syllables and purposefully fuzzy memories. But they were words nonetheless, and he was glad to finally say them after months, years, of keeping them locked away. 

“I’ve always been a perfectionist. It’s in my nature. You know that. But my parents made it a hell of a lot worse,” he said. “And now, now it’s like everything I do, I’m doing it for them. Because, like, I have to prove them wrong. Show them that I’ve made the right decisions in life and that they were wrong to keep me from living this life for so long. It’s somehow always been easier with my gender, because, like, that was screaming at me for so long and I just knew that I was right. But with my life calling or whatever you want to call it. With film and art and everything? I don’t know, sometimes I feel like they were right. That I’m wasting my time and energy on something that is never going to give me as much as a career in law or medicine would give me. But every time I think like that, it just makes me want to make it work more. So, I try so fucking hard and every little decision feels like the difference between my parents loving and respecting me or not. And then it just spirals from there, because I'm doing it for them, but it’s not just them. It’s for my professors who don’t see why I come so highly recommended. For my classmates whose grades depend on critiquing me and finding all my mistakes. And for our friends who have always dropped everything to help me and deserve their work to pay off. And for all the industry professionals that I logically know will never see my Vimeo page but that doesn’t stop me from thinking they’ll take one look and stamp a big red ‘no’ over my name. And for kid me that just wanted to tell stories and middle school me that just wanted to escape from all the shitty feelings and the high school me that just wanted to make his mark on the world one frame at a time. But no matter what I do, it’s never for me, like this me. Like I don’t even know what this me wants anymore, you know?”

“David, I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit. I mean, not the whole thing, just that last bit,” Matteo said. “You were just telling me that you want to bring happiness to the world, to show people that things can be good and beautiful in the midst of all the chaos and evil and terribleness that our world is so, so good as churning out.” 

“Damn, you’re right,” David said, running his hands over his face. “I just feel like I can’t get to that anymore. I only feel like that is my real heart's desire, or even like it’s possible when I am with you. Like, fuck, Matteo, this relationship is the only thing that brings me joy anymore.”

“I’m sorry. That sucks,” Matteo said, fingers still weaving through David’s curls. “You deserve to find joy everywhere you look.”

“I guess,” David said. Then it was quiet, just the sound of their labored breathing David thought. Then David sat up, sitting cross-legged, knees pressing against Matteo’s. “I just want to live for myself again and for my actual dream. Not for proving my parents right or for being the perfect film student. Because I don’t want to be that guy. I’ve been trying and it’s been sucking the life out of me. I just want to be myself again. You know me better than I know myself sometimes. You know that I am not that dark brooding artist. That’s just a shell. A front. There’s a person underneath. One who laughs and makes silly jokes and isn’t afraid to just be. But when you live the kind of life that I live, it gets hard to be. But, I mean, you get it, don’t you? You live this kind of exhausting life too.” 

“Yeah, I guess I do, yeah,” Matteo said, looking down. David immediately regretted staying because he could practically see the memories of failed tests and panic attacks and dropped classes and days full of sensory overload and yelling parents and missed opportunities for Matteo to shine because no one was giving him the space to.

“I’m sorry, come here,” David mumbled, reaching out for Matteo. He nodded, smiling just a little as he crawled into David’s lap. He put his hands around David’s neck as David rested his hands around Matteo’s middle. 

“Thank you, but that thing about it getting hard to just be?” Matteo started. “I don’t think it's like that for me. I think just being is the only thing that gets me through it. Things get dark if you are too serious about everything all the time. And, I don’t know, I guess my autism makes the lows really low, but it also makes the highs really high. When I feel passion or joy, I really feel them and it’s the best kind of addictive. It lets me be the kind of wildly happy that is the only way to survive all the shitty stuff that my autism also brings to my life.”

“God, you are amazing,” David said, shaking his head in awe. He pulled Matteo closer and felt his smile on his skin as he nuzzled into David’s neck. 

“I don’t know how to translate that type of joy to someone who isn’t autistic,” Matteo said looking up at him seriously. “But I’m going to spend my whole fucking life trying to pass it along to you.”

“You’re doing a brilliant job, Matteo,” David said, finding the words truer as he spoke. “I learn so much from you every day and even just being around you makes me feel so alive. You push me and love me and your joy inspires me every day to fight for my own. And, I guess that I want everything in my life to make me feel as good as you make me feel. Like, it will be different obviously, but the world seems less daunting and dark with you in it. With you here in my lap. And I know that having you in my life doesn’t fix everything. I mean, clearly. We’ve been dating over a year and I just cried my eyes out. But having you in my life makes me feel like fixing everything is possible. It shows me that I can have something that makes me happy, fully and deeply. That if I can feel this way in love, something I never together possible, then it is possible for me to feel it with my art or my family or anything. You make me believe in the possibility of a good life, Matteo, and you make me want to work hard to get there. Or, maybe, not work so hard. You let me just be, and show me that sometimes, that’s all you need. And that it can be beautiful. It is beautiful. So, thank you for all of that. And so much more.” 

“I love you,” Matteo said, throwing his head into David’s neck again. He breathed in and let out a happy groan into David’s skin. “I don’t know what else to say, I just love you.” 

“I love you too,” David said. He smiled as Matteo pressed a few gentle kisses to his neck. “I'm so glad we are doing this together.”

“What? Making TikToks?” Matteo asked with a chuckle as he pulled back. 

“I mean living life together, but yeah, that too,” David said, tilting his head. He leaned in for a quick kiss and started to get up. 

“What? No, make out with me, David,” Matteo whined with his eyes still closed as he reluctantly moved to sit on the floor. 

“Oh, I will, but first,” David said, standing up and walking over to the bookshelf. He searched for the copy of the bible he knew Matteo’s mom insisted he keep on hand. He pulled it out and turned back to Matteo, with a hand on his hip. “For the ‘Be Gone Thots’ TikTok, would it be okay if I threw this at you from off-camera at the end?”

“Oh my god, that would be hysterical,” Matteo said, all his neediness gone as he smiled, proud and excited. “You totally should do it.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, though,” David said. 

“Hyposensitivity, baby, I’m invincible!” Matteo said, scrambling to get up off the floor and holding out his arms triumphantly. 

“That’s not how it works,” David said, laughing and he walked over to the couch to grab his phone.

“Just throw the Bible at me, David.” 

A few minutes later, the camera on and a smile illuminating David’s face, he did.

***

Two months later, during finals week, David, Leonie, and Sara were lucky to have found a table in the active learning section of the busy library so they could cram for their gen ed literature class’s exam. David should have been typing up Leonie’s notes on _Dante’s Inferno_ , but his phone was glued to his hand because it was blowing up with texts from Matteo. Apparently, in just over 48 hours, their latest TikTok, Matteo jumping onto David for a piggyback ride without warning and David continuing to walk with Matteo on his back completely unfazed, had started a trend that garnished hundreds of failed attempt at recreation by other people and dozens of piggyback challenge compilation.

“What is so captivating about your phone, Schreibner?” Leonie asked. David finally looked up to see her and Sara staring at him. 

“Nothing, just, well, nothing,” David said, locking his phone nervously. David loved his new life as a TikToker, but he still had a bit of embarrassment and shame festering in his stomach anytime he got close to telling someone. The only people who knew about his and Matteo’s Tik Tik life were Laura and Matteo's flatmates, who had all witnessed them filming more times than anyone could count and had all been kind enough to step in to help thanks to the promise of freshly baked Italian pastries as a reward. 

“Is it Matteo?” Sara asked, fiddling with the gel pen in her hand and looking at him curiously. “You’ve been really tight-lipped about him lately. You always make that same ‘nothing to see here’ face when he comes up. You didn’t used to do that.”

“Yeah, there’s not trouble in paradise, is there?” Leonie asked, closing her copy of _The Odyssey._ “Because if there is, we will kick your ass.” 

“Why my ass?” David asked, offended, clutching his phone tighter in his hand. “Like I would ever break his heart.” 

“Well, between the two of you, Matteo is the one who would never hurt a fly,” Sara said. 

“That’s rich coming from his one and only ex-girlfriend,” David said, brows furrowed. 

“You know what she means,” Leonie said, waving him off. “But, seriously, if things were shitty and you were here studying with us instead of fighting for your relationship, I would have to kick your ass for not going after the only thing that makes you smile anymore. You can’t fool us, man.”

David looked down at his lap, their eyes piercing through him as his cheeks reddened. He sort of wanted to throw those signature walls up, but he stopped himself. Something inside of him was clawing to get out. Maybe it was the impulse for honesty. Or maybe it was the impulse to share his downs because he knew they now came with ups that he just wanted to share with the world, no matter how much his inner critic hated it. But his inner critic was getting quieter by the day. 

“You’re right. I haven’t been myself lately,” David said, setting his phone down on the table. “At the start of the year, the three of us went to indie movie screenings every weekend and we were constantly staying up late on facetime just having the best time. And the double dates with Matteo were the best. Like that time we went to the carnival?” 

“Super fun,” Sara said wistfully. “I miss times like that.” 

“Me too. I hate being distant. Not hanging out with you two that much. And snapping at you and being an asshole when I do. I’m really sorry. I’ve been a shitty friend.”

“Thanks,” Leonie said and Sara sent him a smile that made it clear that they both accepted the apology. “It’s fine, as long as you have a good reason, which I am sure you do because…” 

“Because I’ve been really overwhelmed with classes and assignments and letting the pressure get to me,” David admitted, looking down his hands in his lap. “It’s a lot of shitty stuff from my past and I haven’t been dealing with it well; I don’t want to get into all of it. But things got dark and I lost myself a little. I was too focused on trying to be perfect, on trying to be someone I’m not, on trying to, I guess, yeah, on being the person I thought I needed to be. But I don’t need to be him. I just need to be me and do the things that make me happy with the people that make me happy and everything will be fine.” 

“That’s great,” Leonie said. David looked up at her to see the proud, friendly smile on her lips as she stared back at him. He shifted his eyes over to Sara and saw the same from her. 

“Yeah, and, well,” David said, looking down as he laughed a little in disbelief that he was actually about to pop the bubble. “I know what makes me happy. And you’re going to probably kick my ass for a whole different reason now, but, it’s TikTok.”

“TikTok?” Sara and Leonie asked simultaneously, shock radiating off of them. 

“Yes, TikTok,” David said, laughing at them. “That’s what Matteo has been texting me about. We started a trend.” 

David unlocked his phone again and pulled up their piggyback TikTok. He handed Leonie the phone and with a dumbstruck look on her face, she pressed play as Sara leaned in to watch with her. David couldn’t hide the pride on his face as he heard the familiar audio barely discernible through the loud library. And in fact, he didn't want to hide his pride.

“So people are doing this now?” Sara asked when the video ended. 

“I think the better question is, you’re doing this now?” Leonie asked, handing the phone back to David. 

“Well, yeah,” he said, trying to make it sound casual. “I know it’s not, like, high art—” 

“I bet with Matteo some of it is high art,” Sara said, cracking herself up. David just looked at her and rolled his eyes, but he did smile as he shook his head because Sara wasn’t exactly wrong.

“We just have fun making them,” David said after Sara’s laughter died down. He scrolled through Matteo’s account, reminiscing. “It started a few months ago. We made a lot sorts of TikToks; dances, challenges, humor, sketches, trends, random shit that Matteo came up with, super artistry stuff that I came up with. That last kind was always my favorite, but they never got as many views. But that didn’t matter. It was just fun, a great way to spend a night after a long day of bio lectures for him and slaving over shot lists for me. At first, I didn’t want to post anything on my account, so everything we made would go on TikTokTeo—”

“Oh, like tic tac toe, that’s cute,” Sara said, grabbing her phone from the table. “I’ll follow him.”  
“You have a TikTok?” Leonie asked, turning in her chair to look Sara up and down. David also looked to Sara, surprised. But not in a bad way; in a way that calmed him, made him feel less alone and made him not feel so ashamed. 

“Yeah, there’s this actress I love who posts covers on there. I only follow her and like a few other people,” she answered, tapping away at her phone. “And now Matteo. Wow, you know, he really does have TikTok vibes.” 

“He definitely does,” David said, blushing just a little. “And so it started out as his thing, but I really needed it to. And honestly, I’ve pretty much loved it since day one. Any apprehension I had just came from that insecure place that tried to convince me having fun was a waste of him. I don’t just do it for Matteo or for our relationship or because I want to get famous on TikTok. I do it because it gives me an outlet to just be, you know? And to engage with creation in a way that doesn’t make me hate myself or my life.”

“Is that the way you feel about the stuff you do for classes?” Leonie asked. 

David let out a long breath and nodded. “It’s not as bad as it used to be. Now that I have this,” he said. He clicked on a random video, and turned the phone around to show the girls Matteo acting out a convoluted sketch that David was actually very proud of. “It is easier to trust the decisions I make as an artist because not only do I have more experience now, but maybe more importantly, I’ve felt what it feels like to put out work that has genuine artistic motivations. Work that I truly love. Work that makes me something besides anxious as hell. My TikToks remind me that I am an artist, not a machine trying to produce A+ worthy projects or make it to the Oscars. I want that stuff obviously, but what’s the point if I am killing myself to get there? That’s not how good art is made. This is. With joy and passion and authenticity.” 

“So, you direct Matteo in TikToks and that helps you, that’s great,” Leonie said, opening _The Odyssey again._ “I’m glad you found something. Because you needed it. I think the bags under your eyes were becoming permanent.” 

“Fuck you,” David said casually. He turned the phone back around to him, intent on answering Matteo’s still constant stream of excited texts. There were so many emojis. David could barely keep up, but they all brought a smile to his face. 

“Wait, do you post on your account now?” Sara asked, and David looked up from the texts. “I want to follow you too.” 

“Oh, yeah, I definitely do,” David said. “My account is ShhhhItsDavid with four h’s.” 

“Okay, Odysseus and his cyclops can wait,” Leonie said, slamming her book shut. She leaned over to where Sara was typing and pulling up his account. “I need to see David Schreibner’s TikTok account before someone snaps me out of this alternative reality where he lets himself be carefree.” 

David just smiled and responded to Matteo’s texts as they pursued his content.

David: I’m so proud of us, TikTok kings, just like you said❤️  
David: I’ll be home as soon as this study session with Leonie and Sara is over, but we’ve gotten a little distracted…  
Matteo: Not our kind of distracted I would hope ;)  
David: Never  
David: I told them about our TikTok double life  
Matteo: 😍🤠😄❤️😘😱👏  
Matteo: I love you and am so so so so proud of you  
Matteo: I’m going to make soft amaretti cookies tonight to celebrate  
David: Sound delicious, those are my favorite, second to you of course  
Matteo: You can eat me too tonight if you want 

“These are actually pretty good, David,” Leonie said. David nearly dropped his phone onto the table, his heart pounding and his lip caught between his teeth as his mind struggled to switch from short fusing over Matteo to listening to Leonie rave about his TikToks, of all things. “Like some of them are just silly, and that’s great too, but there is some really artful stuff on here.” 

“What?” David swallowed hard and tried to come back to reality, but his cheeks still felt just the slightest bit hot and his stomach was still topsy turvy. 

“Nothing,” Leonie said, eyebrows raised knowingly. David just stared her right in the eyes, daring her to say it outright. She had a pursed smile on her lips, arms crossed across her chest, and David had never loved being her friend more. 

“So,” Sara said, brightly, the tension dissipating between them. David smiled wide as he looked over to Sara, also so thankful to have her in his life. “Why is ShhhhItsDavid you’re username?”

“It’s an inside joke with Matteo from, well, doesn’t matter,” David stuttered out. The memory of the night that sparked that private joke between them wasn’t helping his body calm down, but telling stories about TikTok definitely did help. “But it’s more than an inside joke. Since I was in so many of Matteo’s TikToks, his fans— yes, his fans, he has like 240,000 followers, he’s a starlet. Anyways, his fans started wondering where they could find me. And I, of course, had to make it a little bit dramatic. So, I changed my username from before I posted my first TikTok. But I didn’t announce my username and neither did Matteo. I just posted and let people find it. It was sort of secret and my username was kind of like saying, ‘shh it’s a secret, this is my account.’ But people were always supposed to find it. And it maybe went a little viral and ended up in a whole bunch of LGBT and relationship TikTok compilations. But that wasn’t exactly new. Matteo is all the compilations. His autistic TikToks make huge waves; he is the biggest TikToker on the spectrum. And I get a lot of features these days too, which I only know about because Matteo watches TikTok compilations all the time. They are basically white noise to him, which is great because he always has them to rely on. And sometimes we watch them together. And sometimes we just rewatch our old videos together, as dorky as it is. Watching that first TikTok back with him is such a joy. It’s one of those ‘and it went like...a little bit of Monica in my life’ ones with all the cutest, silliest Matteo moments from my camera roll and Instagram story archives. It was for our anniversary. He loved it. Still does. Anytime we watch it, his cheeks get all pink and his eyes do that crinkle thing they do when he smiles big, and shit— we are supposed to be studying.” 

David shook his head when he felt his cheeks heating up again. He opened his laptop and picked up Leonie’s _Dante’s Inferno_ notes again. 

“No, this is way better,” Leonie said. “But you’re right, we have this exam in two days and I still don’t think I could name a single symbol in this fucking greek epic.” 

“Yeah, and I really need to get finished here so I can practice my final monologue for Performance 1: Acting one last time before I perform it tomorrow,” Sara said, gel pen hitting her notebook again. 

“Shit, don’t remind me about Performance 1 finals, Sara,” David sighed. “My portfolio is not looking good. Like, how am I supposed to revise all my shity films from this semester?” 

“I don’t know, but maybe you should ask Matteo and make a TikTok about it,” Leonie said, not even looking up from her book. 

“Hey! Don’t make me regret telling you!” David shouted playfully, throwing his pencil at her. 

But he didn’t regret telling her, and she was absolutely right about how he was going to cope with his stress over his portfolio.

***

“I’ve tightened all the edits, the color correction looks pretty okay and Leonie sent some great royalty-free tracks,” David said from where he sat on the kitchen counter as Matteo whipped egg whites for those cookies he promised. “But the films are all still mediocre. My most recent one is pretty good I think, but still, the portfolio feels so empty. There’s just nothing there, no passion, no emotion, nothing entertaining or moving. And I don’t really mind getting a low grade, but I want to pass. And I want to have an end result I’m proud of. Sue me!”

“It’s not a crime, David,” Matteo said. He tested for stiff peaks, then plunged the hand mixer back in when he wasn’t quite satisfied. “You are more than allowed to want to like what you put out into the world. And you’re allowed to work at it. It’s hard to get stiff peaks on the first try.” 

“I love you,” David said. He wished Matteo was within his reach so he could pull him, but he definitely didn’t want to interrupt the delicate process he was engaging with. “So, from the best baker I know, how do I get stiff peaks on the second or third try? Maybe even the fiftieth. I’m desperate.” 

“Well, time and consistency tend to work best for stiff peaks, in my experience,” Matteo said, focused on the bowl in front of him. “But also knowing that even if the egg whites aren’t perfect, the cookie will probably be good enough. There are a lot of ingredients in a cookie. ‘Only good as its weakest link,’ sure, but also, every ingredient works together. They lift each other up and make each other better. Even the perfect whipped egg whites are shit on their own. They need things like sugar and flour and even a little bit of salt. So as long as you are putting in all the ingredients, you’ve done a good thing. And as long as you don’t make out with your boyfriend while the cookies are in the oven and miss the timer and smoke up the flat, you’ll be fine and have a good that you can be proud of because you made it through a labor of love and passion.”

“Oh my god, Matteo,” David said slowly, mind kicking into overdrive. “You solved it.” 

“Of course I did,” Matteo said. He pulled out the mixer again; stiff peaks. Then he turned to David. “What exactly did I solve?” 

“I have to put in all the ingredients,” David said, sliding off the counter. He walked up to Matteo and grabbed him by the waist. “This portfolio is supposed to be all the films we’ve worked on all semester. And so it will never be complete unless I add our TikToks.” 

“Oh my god,” Matteo said, thinking and processing. David just stood there, waiting with a glow in his eyes. “Wow, okay, that is either the most brilliant idea you've ever had or the stupidest. And, either way, I love you so much and am behind you 100%.” 

“I am so excited. I’m going to put them in the perfect order and tell this really great story about falling back in love with your art. It’s all coming together,” David said. He could feel himself buzzing as the final piece of the equation came to his mind. “But I think I need one last TikTok to add to the end.” 

“Okay, that’s great, but can we save the filming until after I’ve finished these cookies and after we’ve had sex?” Matteo said as he dragged a finger up David’s chest. “Because I really wanted cookies and really, really I want you.” 

“Yes, of course,” David said, drawing Matteo in closer. “I’ll write everything down while you finish baking. Then after the cookies are out of the oven and we have had our fair share, I’ll take you up on your text from earlier.”

“Okay, good,” Matteo said low and excited. But then, his hand was pushing David away and he turned back to the egg whites. “Now, go write down your genius ideas before your brain gets too corrupted with dirty thots, you alien of god!” 

David smiled brightly as he grabbed his sketchbook from the opposite counter. “I will throw the bible at you again if I have to!” 

But he didn’t. He just sat down at the kitchen table and wrote everything down.

***

After almost missing the timer again, leaving the kitchen a mess as they always did, eating one too many cookies and having such an amazing time together under Matteo’s bedsheets that David was pretty sure he would never be able to think straight again, Matteo fell asleep with his messy head of hair on David’s bare chest. Running his fingers through his hair grounded David just like it always did, and eventually, he remembered the TikTok idea that was burning a hole in his sketchbook. He decided it was time to trade one grounding thing for another.

David carefully moved Matteo so he was lying with his head peacefully on his pillow, and got out of bed, moving slowly and quietly. He grabbed his phone from the bedside table and Matteo’s grandpa sweater from where it had landed on the floor when he pulled it off Matteo earlier. He pulled on as he entered the bathroom, shut the door and flipped the lights on. 

As he got into position in front of the mirror, he didn’t let himself do any thinking. He just pulled up his camera, pressed record and started grooving along to “Working Bitch.” It was one of Matteo’s favorite TikTok songs, so David knew it well enough to lip-sync without even listening to the song. Plus, he really only needed to lip-sync the first two words, “I’m working,” because he was planning on cutting the music after that. All that would be left was David’s speaking voice, a little hushed but still confident. 

Altogether, it would send a clear message to punctuate his portfolio; “I’m working...on creating art that makes me happy and my TikToks make me happier than just about anything I’ve ever made and I refuse to be ashamed of that anymore.” 

David filmed the video in one take. When he stopped the recording, he set his phone down on the bathroom counter. He looked himself up and down in the mirror, then let out a breath and laughed. This was his life now— sneaking out of bed after a phenomenal night with his boyfriend, making a TikTok for his film school portfolio and staring at a reflection that looked more like himself than he ever could have imagined because the man staring back at him looked proud of the life he had created for himself. This was David’s life and he didn’t hate it one bit.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope this could bring you a little bit of joy! :)
> 
> I'll see my LSE people next Monday for chapter 10! <3


End file.
